27 December 2005
OPINION: The night before Christmas
WINDOWS
Gabriel L. Cardinoza
I did not know that the most parodied poem in the English language was Clement Clark Moore’s "The Night Before Christmas" until last night when I was browsing the Internet. I counted 15, but I suspect there may be more that Google did not find.
The poem had a gambler’s version, an OB-GYNE’s (obstetrician-gynecologist’s) version, a race car driver’s version, and other “wittier (and, in some cases, just plain strange) homages,” as one website had described them.
But what caught my fancy were the politically-correct version of the poem and the one supposedly written by a lawyer. In celebration of the holiday season, I’m sharing with you parts of the poems.
The Night Before Christmas
By Clement Clarke Moore
’T WAS the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her ’kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The Night Before Christmas
(Politically Correct Version)
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves." "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.And Labour conditions at the North PoleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,Were replaced with four pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The Night Before Christmas
(Legal Version)
Author Unknown
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House, were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as “I”), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter “Mamma”), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Merry Christmas!
Gabriel L. Cardinoza
I did not know that the most parodied poem in the English language was Clement Clark Moore’s "The Night Before Christmas" until last night when I was browsing the Internet. I counted 15, but I suspect there may be more that Google did not find.
The poem had a gambler’s version, an OB-GYNE’s (obstetrician-gynecologist’s) version, a race car driver’s version, and other “wittier (and, in some cases, just plain strange) homages,” as one website had described them.
But what caught my fancy were the politically-correct version of the poem and the one supposedly written by a lawyer. In celebration of the holiday season, I’m sharing with you parts of the poems.
The Night Before Christmas
By Clement Clarke Moore
’T WAS the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her ’kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The Night Before Christmas
(Politically Correct Version)
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves." "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.And Labour conditions at the North PoleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,Were replaced with four pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The Night Before Christmas
(Legal Version)
Author Unknown
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House, were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as “I”), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter “Mamma”), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Merry Christmas!
